The One Night Wonder is a particularly tricky and dangerous type of man. He employs a number of techniques that render him almost impossible to identify.
I like to think of him as the box jelly-fish of the dating world. Drifting along, appearing harmless. But what you must remember is that he is both toxic and a spineless individual.
I will try to simplify his complex and varied ritual for you, girls, but please be aware that while I may have been a victim, I am by no means an expert on this merciless beast.
The scenario will possibly go something like this:
You go out on the town and you meet a man. You drink enough to dare use all your best flirtatious banter and before you know it, you’ve invited him back to yours for a “drink”.
In the morning, you awake with all your normal fears:
Will he think you’re easy for having slept with him right away?
Does he think you’re hideous in the harsh light of day?
Has he noticed that you haven’t had a bikini wax since Ugg boots were actually acceptable footwear?
However, the ONW does not appear to have noticed these things! Instead, he engages in witty pillow talk, and you sleep together again (surely a good sign that he is not physically repelled by you). Afterwards, you cuddle…he strokes your hair, kisses your forehead and, over breakfast, you make plans for a “proper” date. When he kisses you goodbye, you are quite, quite positive that this is the start of something.
That evening you receive an adorable message about how much fun he had and how he is looking forward to your date.
You spend all week preparing for the date.
Friends are called over in order to tell you which outfit makes you look the most like girlfriend material and less like a girl who got drunk and dropped her knickers 5 hours after meeting you.
You pay a visit to Brenda, your overweight waxer, who may have no boundaries while applying lotion but leaves you smoother than you’ve been since puberty.
You wait for him to text and confirm. And you wait.
Before your proposed date, anxiety sets in. You spend all day looking at your phone, constantly checking to make sure that you have reception and that it’s not suddenly broken. You may never admit it, but you will even have someone text you to make sure that you are, in fact, receiving messages. If you’re anything like me, you may even stoop so low as to cunningly call his phone from a withheld number in order to check that his phone is indeed on. You hang up when he answers and feel your dignity slowly starting to ebb away.
By that evening you simply cannot take the pressure any more, and send him a very breezy text message that took you and two friends over half an hour to compose, asking if he is still on for tomorrow.
Your phone becomes a ticking time bomb.
It mocks you.
You scream down the phone at your sister; how dare she phone and tie up your line regardless of her impending wedding next Saturday.
Still nothing.
Tumbleweed rolls through your living room.
You eventually drag yourself to bed clinging to the thought that he may still get in touch – perhaps he has left his phone at home? Been in a car accident? Contracted gangrene and suffered a double amputation of the hands rendering him unable to use the phone?
When you wake up there is still nothing.
You go through everything that happened in your head.
Can you have imagined it?
Are you that clueless that you have just projected a possible relationship onto a man who was clearly uninterested?
No- you didn’t. May I remind you, ladies, that this man not only slept with you in the morning, but also STROKED YOUR HAIR AND KISSED YOUR FOREHEAD.
Soon though, you realise that he will never call. Or text, for that matter.
You have fallen victim to The One Night Wonder – a man who drifts into your bed…and then drifts out again…leaving only a tentacle-like trail of despair behind him, which if you are really unlucky, can be accompanied by a stinging sensation and constant need to pee.
Written by: Sophie Attwood
Edited by: Paige Russell
