Ladies and gents, boys and girls, please do gather around. Valentine’s day resurrects once again from beyond the horizon. Goldfinches harmonise during sun rise and the snowing of bachelors or bachelorettes has commenced. You get a date! And you get a date! Everyone, look under your seats, you all get a date! Now pause – dramatic enough? Right, so, the time of year where hormonal infused gibberish is plastered all over social media is approaching and instead of a tall blonde Viking coming to sweep me off my feet, my 14th of February has been fully booked by a good old acquaintance – REALITY.  So do take a seat and whilst you’re at it grab some of your favourite empty (or not so empty) carbs or if you’re anything like me an anti depressant will do… as Igor reveals all – cue suspenseful opening tune. 

The time of Disney fairy tales has come and gone and instead of a romantic evening out followed by a lustful (considerably kinky) night, all I expect for Valentine’s day is a day of hibernation within the tallest tower of a dragon secured castle with the only possibility of being awaken being by an ever so courageous Prince aided by his great companion Saturated Fats willingly providing me with a true love’s kiss mouthful of true delicious delightfulness. (Alex Skarsgard if you’re reading this, chicken and waffles will do!!!) Do not get me wrong, I complain not my dear beauties! 

So here are some alternatives of how not to be a crazy singleton on the great V day:

1. Gather up the girls/boys for an alcohol filled evening (drink responsibly and all that jazz). Treat yourselves and your fellow cat ladies/boys to your favourite cocktails or fancy bubbly (if you’re thinking diet coke, please quietly locate your nearest door and leave). Ban all mentions of exs as this may have a side effect of a waterfall of expensive mascara not worthy of your salty tears. Looking like the girl from the ring is sadly not in this season. If unavoidable please formally invoice your ex for a chance to repurchase your mascara, because he’s not worth the £25 spent on YSL’s Babydoll mascara. 

2.  Treat your mum to a special meal or a full on spa day. You spent 9 long months in her fragile womb – rent free. Who are you? A squatter? David Cameron? The queen? I think not. Compose yourself child and find an adequate restaurant or spa, book it and take the best woman in your life to an unforgettable day out.

3. Lacking the strength to get out of the house? (Or you happen to have been a sloth in your previous life?) No problem my dear. Get out your skin care ammunition (Clay masks, cucumber slices or if you’re a lizard who happens to be reading this, sandpaper will do… and congrats on managing to use a computer), grab a glass of wine and Netflix (sadly without the chill) the hell out of your Valentine’s Day. If the ever so common urge to text your last lover emerges, please lock the wine away and off to the naughty corner you go – you’ve had a glass too many! 

So boys and girls, what have we learnt from this? There is no shame in spending Valentine’s Day alone or without a date. There are plenty of people in your life who deserve some attention, so take this chance to scrub up real nicely and bathe in virgin blood a concoction of positivity and much required love.

Words : Igor Rodrigues

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